Tuesday, October 6, 2009
As I write this, I am sitting at my large desk in the corner of the room that I use to create my art, paintings in both acrylic and oil, mixed media, in fact anything that I can lay my hands on. Except, aside from the space that I have cleared for my laptop and an even smaller space for my tea, there is no space in this room. This room over the past few weeks has become the dumping ground for 'things' as I have made my way through the house organizing, sorting, and generally re-designing my life through my surroundings.
I sit here, full of hope, new paths laid out before me, I am surrounded by choices and I continue to make what appears to be the right choice each and every time I see a crossroads before me. The desk at this moment complete and utter chaos, yet every other room in the house is clean, re-designed, organized and feels like the future I see before me, so I have in essence begun to create in the present moment the dream of my future. This desk though, represents the part of me that can overwhelm some people, it overwhelms me too, but not for long and not very often, but sometimes, everything piles upon my shoulders and weighs me down in the most crippling of ways. Fear.
The smell of fear... I have lived through it all. Growing up without my parents since I was thirteen; I understand the depth of humility and the pain of struggling alone in this world. I sailed through life with little means but committed to finding happiness in every little thing, finding happiness when there would appear none. For year I have been confused as to who I was but now, I know who I am, I have a strong idea of who I want to be and who I am becoming. And the fear, childhood fear, I went home to my mother to make peace with my pain, my past, my heart. I got my share of love and hugs that I grew up without. I cried my tears. I forgave myself for resenting my parents for sending me so faraway. I forgave my mother for sending me so far away. I held her wrinkled face with my hands and kissed her all over. She looked in my eyes and said "Oh how much you have grown and make me proud". She stroked my hair for hours on the day I planned to fly back to the states. I was on my knees crying quietly in her lap. The physical separation was painful for both of us. As I write this, tears are streaming down my face but my heart is full with love. My mother is right here inside my heart. I am complete, completely as peace with life and with love. Now that it is out there, it is not so bad, as it felt inside of me all alone.
As for this room I will finish writing this and drink the last of my tea. I will redesign my space to reflect my soul, the true me, 100% authentically me.