The place between

Another change, another destination, another phase…The fall of WAMU is now creating new opportunities and new directions in my destiny… East Coast and Bay Areas employment opportunities are calling my name… Decision, cross-road, destiny…The little girl in me is frightened with the changes around me. The engineer, survivor in me said “Toughen up kid here come the ride of your life, again”. Five wonderful years in the Emerald City and my heart is just now taking roots… I love Seattle but is it meant to be? I am looking for sign and maybe I am looking too hard. But I know this for a fact; it doesn’t matter where I go… I will carry you with me… your kind heart, your friendship, and the wisdom that you have shared with me…

Now let's see where the wind of change will take you, me…


The place between, where I can’t see the horizon
Where the past hasn’t gone away completely and the future hasn’t revealed itself
The place between, where my heart resides and my head resists
Where logic dictates my actions but the pain is hard to miss
Where instinct and rational raised war on the battle field of choice
The place between, feel like the door is closing and I am hanging on by a thread
Another phase is coming and my world is still enclosed with past memories instead
Trust, faith; believe in the universal truth, do good and do well
But well and good cost a soul and some heart break
Cost a life time of searching and growing; cost lots of tears and strength to hang on
Cost a heart and dreams of a little girl, brown eyes girl
Balls of steel, iron will, dead on focus
The weight of the world or the weight of my own choices
Square shoulders, head held high; it is just another phase
Revolving doors, why can’t I stand still?

Authentic Self

I wonder to myself if I let go of all my possession, my load lighten
Would I be a lesser version of myself?
Would love, passion, friendship shift color and change shape?
Would I be free of expectation, my own jail cell?
I wonder if you lose all your passion, your soul, and faith
You would be a different person with different shape and form?
Your eyes glazed, twisted limp, crooked teeth
Would your appearance dictate what is going on inside your soul?
I wonder if love, trust, faith would endure life's hardship
Would love give you wings to rise above the pain
Would trust give you strength to withstand the hard rain
Would faith install peace in the evolving chaos?
I wonder life is a rainbow full of colors, the reflection of my sky
We all share this sky, but why can't you see through my eyes?

If I change, I know life with the colorful rainbow would still be mine!

My Father

I didn't get to know you as a young man
I saw your pictures; with twinkle eyes
hands on hips by the sea you stand
The image of a father, a happy man
Wild heart, poetry, and romance
With your legend, Dad! I don't stand a chance

Now you are gone I have only wishes
More time together so I can shower you with kisses
To tell you my stories of how strong I have become
Mortal words, mortal pain; how much I have changed

With much prayers, hopes, and spirits
I will try to remember everything you did
Everything you tried to teach and share
And every time I catch a glimpse of the open sky
I will remember of how you wanted me to fly
With warm heart and on a straight line
Just like you said; “A golden heart is hard to find”
Dad! I miss you

Compassionate Heart

In hard time don’t forget we are made of light and energy
That our existence interlink with the rest of the universe
That our thoughts and actions carry more weight than we can ever imagine
That our hopes and loves give hope and love to others
That the torch we are carrying is the same one our ancestors upheld, millions of year ago
In their footsteps, we are carrying on their warrior blood lines, their legends

In hard time foster on inner peace and your compassionate heart
What we need is so little, what we want is inconclusive
Count on your blessing instead of curse, don’t despair
Don’t forget to say thank you, greet the day with gratitude
Every breath we take is a gift, don’t waste it
Next time you inhale, smile before you exhale
Breathe in the suffering life harbored on the less unfortunate
And breathe out the compassionate of your being

In hard time I won’t forget
My time here is short, but my influence is vast
I can make a difference with my little effort; one life, one voice
That is all I have to offer, but I am willing to offer
I want to see the world and share my stories
I want to see you happy and hear your stories
The twist and turn and all the other curves on the path we travel
Stay well, stay strong and know every time you smile, I smile
And every time you cry, I will be there with my arms spread
I will catch you with everything I have; my heart is with you, all of my being

Positive or negative, the seed is in you; cultivate the love and desire that will embrace your soul

Eros

Dream, awaken, dream, awaken, awaken, and yet it is all dream.
Life is but an illusion
A product of my perception, my collection of dreams
Let not your heart be troubled
Wherever you travel there will be wind and waves
Ebb and flow the moon and sun have its own phase
If I don't wander how could I ever be found?
Reach for the divine, my higher-self remised
Reach for the light, in which darkness doesn't exist
It is desire that take us on the path we travel
It is fate that bring us together on the cross-road
It is love that keep you close to my heart
What is more important than seeing with my eyes?
Seeing into my own heart, although the song in the heart is silent
The art of love, the ability to express, the gift beyond gift
To feel you without seeing you, to love you without having you
All rivers continue to flow to the ocean, cosmic consciousness
receives them all

Only a cloud, knows the feeling of a cloud...

Heart song

Hope is nudging me to pet her. She won't let me hold her but she wants to be petted. I said to Hope "Can you just sit still and let me hold you, please? It would be so much more fun for both of us" but she will have none of it. Now she is sitting at the end of the sofa dozing off but still keeping her guard up. Perfect example of human relationship.

“If relationships were restaurants, I’d like the check please,” I said to my friend the other day after agonizing over the complexity of love. Are we scared to be loved? Or have both men and women’s pride been equalized, leaving both sexes defensive and guarded of their hearts and feelings.

As I look back on my past relationship essentially, I realize that I never told the other person how I really felt about them. And even still, when I have rarely ever verbally expressed my emotions or pursued someone who I have been so blindly in love with, I have gotten hurt.

Sometimes I think about how things would be different if I addressed the white elephant in the room- if I had just admitted to being helplessly and so defenselessly in love. Would that have made a difference?

When all is said and done, or in my case unsaid and undone, I cannot help but believe perspective of love is skewed. Women are expected to believe that ‘he’s just not that into you’ while men try to conceal their emotions to protect themselves from being hurt.

It’s a terribly painful double edged sword. And at the end of the day I wonder, should love be this difficult? My friend responded to me and said, “relationships are a seven course meal, and you are just beginning your appetizers.”

The answer though is really for you to decide.

But I promise you, dear soulmate, that I love you. And I always will. And maybe that is enough to make me believe why it never worked out with anyone else.

For just one second

For just one second
Give me your eyes so I can see
Give me your heart so I can love again
Give me your hand so I can reach
beyond the limits of myself
Lift up my dreams and give me wings
Give me a chance
To see the way you have seen all alone
So I can feel what I have been missing
Million years could go by and I would still be blind
For just one second
Give me your eyes so I can see
Give me your heart so I can feel again

Maintain inner balance continue to be a daily struggle. The struggle to be real, to be centered, to be me, have I left a place for others? To sway and not crack; malleable but not manipulatable. The willingness to move off dead center, to move and take my center with me.

TRUTH

Love, lost, illusion, pain, trust, hope, faith, joy, truth

What does Truth look like God?
How do I know when Truth smiles upon me?
Will Truth come quietly in the night and covers me with peaceful warm embrace
Or shakes me up and thrashes me around until I shed my old self and wake up anew
Is Truth fair, beautiful, and sparkle like a star? Is Truth the singing bird that bathed in the fountain every morning?
Or the lightning that struck last evening, did Truth came loud and angry because we didn’t listen carefully?
Is Truth presence in all things or only in something, is Truth righteous or forgiving?
Will you give me a sign when Truth comes knocking on my door
since I don’t know what Truth looks like, smells like, or sounds like
Dear God, can you let me know when I stand in the presence of Truth?
Thank you, God!

More about LOVE

There are so many different varieties of love, the love between parents and children, the love between siblings, between friends, compassionate love that can exist between complete strangers or for someone we never knew but whose story touches us in some way. There is the love of lovers which in of itself provides us with a plethora of sub groups within the frame of love. Between lovers there is physical love, spiritual love, emotional love, a love of shared things etc etc... I understand love intimately as much as a mortal can understand something that cannot be truly understood or conceived.

Love can be fleeting, prolonged or eternal it doesn't matter how long it lasts, all that matters is that you recognise it and embrace it for what it is at that very moment in time. People can place all sorts of guidelines or barriers around them to protect them from being hurt, but in the end all you are doing is making an obstacle course, a veritable boot camp, for love to find her way to your heart. Those barriers only serve to distance yourself from love. Embrace love in what ever form she arrives, don't question it, don't try and peer into the future to see if it is real, what is real anyway?

Every thing in life is impermanent, everything, that also includes the fact that nothing remains the same, everything including ourselves is constantly changing and evolving. So is love, it grows and expands it contracts and sometimes even disappears....love only does this because each of us grows and changes as we continue on our own personal journeys through our lives. And you know what?...maybe no one told you this, but love is not perfect, there is no perfect love, love is simply a reflection of our own ability and willingness to love another. That is it pure and simple...the love you are able to give to another person is only limited by the limitations you yourself place on it...your own experiences set your limitations...but here is the secret....you can redefine your limitations whenever you choose to. So you have been hurt in love before, badly...i get that...so have i, I have been hurt in spectacular fashion by previous lovers, so what, that is the past, I no longer live there and I will do my utmost each and every day to make sure I do not judge the past actions of others on the people i love in the present moment. I am not going to let my past be a limitation in the amount of love I am willing to receive into my life....and this blog is just such a beautiful perfect example of that.

Either way, I want you to know one thing that I am not so sure you hear very much...I love you, I love you for being you, all of you, I love you because I know that somewhere down our life journey we have a shared experience and that the only difference between me and you is the way we perceive that shared experience, that experience of being hurt when in love.

So I love you and I hope that your perception shifts and with it the suffering in your heart, whether you are aware of that suffering or not.

I hope you find love, unconditional love of yourself and then unconditional love of others.

Remember, it is easy to judge those you do not know, but it is hardest of all to judge the person you know most intimately....yourself. Be honest about who you are and you will see love inside of every person, every animal, every bird, everything that you come across.

Be honest and love will trail behind you wherever you go, touching all who you pass by and you will never need to seek love again for love will come looking for you, in the most unexpected of ways and in the most unexpected of places.
As for me, I choose to learn from the past but at the same time leave the experience in the past, not carry it with me as I walk into my future. I am open to love, the ups and downs...however I find that love is present and beautiful and always around me and that I never have to look for it, it finds me.

Something About Us - Daft Punk
It might not be the right time
I might not be the right one
But there something I want to say
Something about us
There is a secret about us
That I love you

Paris, 9 Mai

Mes mains implorent dans la nuit noir. Elles s'élèvent et cherchent dans les ténèbres, dans le ne'ant, il doit bien y avoir une lumière au-delà de la nuit. - Carl Einstein

Musee D'Orsay

Sur toutes les fleurs
O malédiction, o mille fois malédiction?
Vous qui avez préparé tellement de morts
N'en avez-vous pas une pour moi ?
Wilhelm Lehmbruck - Janvier 1998

Musee Rodin