Imagine

Imagine - John Lennon

You may say I'm a dreamer

But I am not the only one

I hope someday you'll join us

And the world will be as one

Quick notes from Chris and Kim's vow... "May you need each other not out of weakness. May you want each other not out of lack..." So beautiful are those words. 

I was smiling and thought to myself, how lovely. If I can ever share this moment with that someobody, who needs me not out of weakness and wants me not out of lack. 

When will I meet my equal. 

Grace, love, forgiven, forgiving, peace, kindness... And I realized to myself I have been loved but I have never loved. My friend Steve asked me "Are you capable" and I responded "Yes, I am". Maybe timing was wrong, maybe I wasn't who I am today. 

Maybe I had problem with integrating my version of romantic love and reality love. Not anymore, recently I had a brush with romantic and reality love coming so close together, it took my breath away... 

Thank you for finding me. Thank you for let me found you... I can say now that I have seen a glismpe of love, of my soulmate and I am forever better because of it. Like the north star the experience will help me get closer to my heart and my love!

7/11/2006 Good bye to Dad

July 11, 2006

Funeral

Sadness

Tears

Good Bye

This is our last day

Noise

Flowers

Chanting

Prayer

This is how I remember

Eyes closed

Mouth shut

Silence

Final

This is what I see

Soul 

Serenity

Peace

Grace 

This is what I want

Together

Forever

Love

Understanding

Daddy!  This is you and me

Dream Manifestation

Five years ago when I landed at Seatac airport for the first time in May, I was overwhelmed with the trees, the city, and the waters. I traveled to major cities quite a bit for work but Seattle is different. Something is so mystical about Seattle; it was love at first sight. I spent days wandering around downtown after work. I found old book stores, little coffee shops, and kind people. Kind people are everywhere and I was wondering to myself what it would be like to live in Seattle.

Today I find myself living in Seattle. How did I get here? How did my wish manifest itself into reality? So do we always get what we want? I think I got everything that I wanted. I believe at a deep subconscious level I conjured my dreams into reality.

I walk away from my past, my pain, my lost, and my gain. I left behind “my everything” in hope to find everything. I change my life to focus on what is important to me; living my Truth. 

And here I am again. Got wrap up, drawn in by the complexity of human realm. Anytime I feel lost in my own emotion and other’s emotion I tried to retreat into my world of truth and center myself in my own safe haven. What is real and what is not. What have I learned and unlearned along the way. Other found me strong, self-assured and assertive. I find myself confused and lost all the time. 

Standing tall, believing in myself; all of this can fall down at any moment if I don’t do the right thing; if I don’t walk my talk; if I stop practicing accordingly to my code of ethics. The most critical critics are the internal critics. The price of not knowing myself is the biggest risk. I don’t worry about what people thinks about me. But I care what I think of myself. At which point that I would compromise and betray my commitment to live my truth? At which point that I start to put other needs and wants above my own sanity? It happened before and I won’t allow myself to fall back in that trap again. 

I will sit here and stare at the wall until my mind is still and my heart is clear again. I need to protect of my world, my peace, my life.

Illusions

Have I ever loved someone, in their true creation; flaws and all
Have I ever understood the word unconditioned; practice and preach
Have I ever imagined someday the world will bring me to my knees; grateful and humble
My heart was broken and it made me stronger, softer
My soul is awake and feeling pain, good pain
Consequences, heartache, and responsibilities
Your love, your flaws, my love, my flaws; the teaching of an important lesson
The lesson of compassion, love, acceptance, and forgiveness
With my eyes wide open
I see you, all of you, not just an illusion of you
And you see me, all of me not just an illusion of myself
The veil is lifting and I see clearly for the first time
The lesson of love, of true heart, of compassion
Not only for others, but also for myself

Sonny

Can you turn up the light and put the sparkle back in my eyes?
Can you make everything bright and shining again?

Lost a loved one feels like the light went out in my heart
I struggled in the dark searching for the switch
To switch everything back to a time in the past
When this new reality was just an illusion
One last inhale, no exhale
And you're gone to another world
I looked for your soul,
The wavering shape that just left your body
A gray shadow, a bluff of smoke
Something substantial so I can understand
The mystery of the afterworld

Your aftermath; Family, Love and Money
The legacy you left behind
Undone business, unsaid words, unforgotten deeds
Trails of trial and turbulence; hard lessons
Conversation went on in my head, loose string of sad thoughts
Should have done this, should have said that
We should have more time; you and I
There is nothing I can say
Nothing I can do to change the sad story
You are gone

When I see a bluff of gray smoke, I thought of you
Gaze toward the sky and wonder to myself; where are you?
Were your soul saved with our prayers by your dying bed?
Were all your sins forgiven when you took your last breath?

Can you light up the light and put hope back in my eyes?
Can you make everything alright again?
I need you to tell me that I don’t need to hide my sadness
And it is alright to miss you, to mourn you
For everything that you were, good or bad
Can you give me a sign, my dear brother?

The way it meant to be

If I get to do it all over again

I want to spend my time loving you; learning you

To look into my heart, dive deep into my fear

I will choose to trust, with the innocence of a little child

I will choose wisdom, to see beyond what my eyes can see

I will choose understanding, your heart, your love, your fear

If I get to do it all over again

I will put down my sword and armor

I will hold on tight to my brush

I will paint our days with laughter, with bold color of hope

I will heal our mortal pain with each stroke of paint

I will draw wings so our love can fly, high up in the deep blue sky

I will set us free, free from our own prison, our limitations

I will set us free so we can love each other

The way it meant to be…

Golden Heart

My father said “Prosperity is easy to reach but a golden heart is hard to find”

Waiting for a golden heart, I have for many years,

Dreaming for a soul that is tried and true, I have for many moons

Faithful to the only thing I know, my heart

You came to me not quietly, not unsuspectingly

But uncannily,

You read my heart, shattered my armor

You melted my layers, ice cold fear

I asked my father, “Have I found my golden heart”

He walked with me in my dream and said, “Look into your heart”

So

I want to give you my golden heart

For today... and for always!

Take me home

Most of my days, my nights
I spend alone;
whispering prayers under the quivering lights
Thousands of miles, oh solemn miles
Far away from the place I was born
You wake me, in the early hours
Twinkles in your eyes
Smile on your face
When you hold me
You take me back home
You take me back to my childhood home, where love resides
Where everything exists now only in my mind
Most of my days, of my nights
I spend like a child. Who's afraid of ghosts in my mind!
I know, there is nothing out there
I'm still afraid to turn on the lights
Although now
Most of my days I spend alone in my mind
A thousand miles from the place I was born
When you hold me
You take me back home

Lullaby

In the game of love
Always one person gets left behind in the cold
Love is not the same I have been told
When you are the one with nothing left to hold
For better for worst until the day we are old
He said
She said
But in the end
When we are all looking for another chance
Another chance of love, another chance of life
We left behind the one
The one lesson; to have but not to hold
We find another horizon, another sky to fly
To spread the broken wings, to try
But can you hear; my late at night, my early morning’s cries
Can you hear the flutter of my heart
by the window sills
Like a lark, travel only at night
I sing you lullaby, deep in your sleep, in your dream
The one lesson;
To have but not to hold until the day we are old!

Mother's words

My mother said don’t live your life waiting for the other shoe to fall
She said; live your life like today is your last day, with no fear
Swirl with joy, dance with pain, and laugh with tears
When life delivers happiness, open your arms, your heart
And when life is dry and sad, sit and wait
Everything she said and tried to instill in my mind
She said; look into a person’s eyes so you can see their sky
Look for the true color for doesn’t matter how much you try
People are people; they will be what they will be
Choose wisely
The company you keep
For to change a person, the chance is very steep
It’s not necessary the reflection of your values, moral codes
But it is a reflection of how you view the world, your world
Slow down, she said; life is short enough
Take today and live in today
Don’t go look for trouble
And don’t look back
My mother said life is a game of wait and go
When life offers opportunities you don’t ask
My mother said so
And when life’s struggle is too great, let sit it out and wait
Love is strength and harshness that heart of your
Think with your heart but never let go of your head
The power is in you
All started with you and will end with YOU