Kai

We spent hours

Frolicking the hills, beaches, and waterfalls

She told me it was the best of time 

Sparkles in our eyes when we reached the top of the mountains

She whispered I was the best hiking partner

I was always by her side, one step behind, one step ahead

But never strayed far away

I was her protector

I was her best friend

The years had gone by quickly

My legs got weak, my eye sight got blurry

No more top of mountain

No more top of trees

No more Kai

But by her side is where I will always be

I am the animal spirit, Me

Love Affair of A Girl and A Dog Named Kai

 Death did not come silently in the night

It came knocking loudly in the morning light

Death came and carried you away in a huff

Not so much of a goodbye, not enough

Shattered my world by the emptiness of your vacant eyes

You entered into my life

A little fluffy grey hair ball and gorgeous blue eyes

We hiked waterfalls

explored hidden trails

We watched the rain from top of the mountain

We combed the beach of Puget Sounds

Side by side, life with you was an adventure

My protector, my best friend, my love

You mended my broken heart

You taught me patience and compassion

Love came in the simplest form; two beating hearts

Your and mine; a girl and a dog named Kai

Letter to Thi

Silly Thi, I quarreled, I got frustrated, and I rebelled against my family, friends, and culture. 

I was suffocated under the microscope and I break out. But never once I stop loving anybody including you. Don’t you remember when we lost touch after I moved and you moved with your aunt to another place back the 80s? I kept looking for you. I kept searching for the only girlfriend I love. When Jennie found me thru Ngoc Ha and invited me up to San Jose for a visit. I told everybody about you and was hoping that some how I will find you again. I found you… Maybe I never told you this, but I love you dearly. We were different then and we are different now but through out time I really appreciate you for who you are. Not the wild young Thi or the mature adult Thi. I just love the core of Thi; kind and loving. Maybe the biggest struggle I have in life is to bridge this internal struggle of trying to be what expected of me and what I want to be. I have a free spirit and there is no doubt about that. I was passionate about life since I was a tiny little bud. I wrote poetry since I was 8 and didn’t show it to anybody. 

I don’t want to stop living life or experience life just because what others think but I can’t help feeling resentful when they judge me. 

I needed you to be on my side and I was hurt because your opinion of me was different than what I thought it would be. I need the one I love to accept me. That was all. You have changed. I have changed. I don’t remember why and how we quarrel anymore, but I remember sitting behind you in the bicycle when you tow me around town in Dalat. I remember sleeping on the floor with you at Di Tam’s house during my summer break. I still have your letters from back then. I remember a lot of things and I don’t let go of the thing that really matter. 

My love for you is running deeper than my ego… I will love you and be your friend until we are gray and old. Our history is too deep for me or you to let go. I lost you once before I won’t let it to happen again. Just like I said before we are not sister by blood, but we are sister by love. Always,

Will you

How long has it been since our lives got changed so violently?  How long has it been since my heart got frozen and won't open up again?  Today the memories of us come flooding back and filled my heart with sorrow.  Reminiscing is something I always tried to avoid.  The past has gone and change is the fact of life.  But why so much in my life?  I walked under the rain, got my hair wet, my toes are freezing in my flip flop (and yes I still wear flip flop even it is freezing in Seattle) looking for a coffee shop.  How could anybody not love Seattle?  How could I not fall in love with Seattle?  It is here that I can bare my joy, my pain.  You would like Seattle too.  We can walk to the restaurant for breakfast, lunch, dinner, or drink for all that matter.  You can watch me pile on sweater, coat, scarf and you can tease me that I look like a polar bear with all my padding.  You would like it, I know.

I am happy and I am not happy.  I have my good day and I have my bad days.  And just like everybody else I hate my bad days.  I am just another particle in the vast pool of life.  You were there like a hurricane, swept me off my feet and off you went to the another destination... How does life work?  I am still learning, still wondering when life will be simpler.  This is where I am.  This is who I am.  And I miss what we had together.  I am afraid that our memories will fade away and I will loose you forever to the wings of time.  I  miss you.

We can't turn back time.  Life moves on without skipping a beat... But somewhere deep down in my heart, time stop and there you are smiling at me with your twinkle eyes.

Will you forget

Will I forget

Will this world keep turning until we meet again

Close my eyes and I can see your sky

Feel your touch and I miss your smile

This walk

This way

This kiss

This heart belongs to you

A split second decision; a life time consequences

Twisted world or parallel universes

Will you find me again along the path of life

Will you hold me close and don't let me go again

One love

The only love

Will you forget

Will I forget

Imagine

Imagine - John Lennon

You may say I'm a dreamer

But I am not the only one

I hope someday you'll join us

And the world will be as one

Quick notes from Chris and Kim's vow... "May you need each other not out of weakness. May you want each other not out of lack..." So beautiful are those words. 

I was smiling and thought to myself, how lovely. If I can ever share this moment with that someobody, who needs me not out of weakness and wants me not out of lack. 

When will I meet my equal. 

Grace, love, forgiven, forgiving, peace, kindness... And I realized to myself I have been loved but I have never loved. My friend Steve asked me "Are you capable" and I responded "Yes, I am". Maybe timing was wrong, maybe I wasn't who I am today. 

Maybe I had problem with integrating my version of romantic love and reality love. Not anymore, recently I had a brush with romantic and reality love coming so close together, it took my breath away... 

Thank you for finding me. Thank you for let me found you... I can say now that I have seen a glismpe of love, of my soulmate and I am forever better because of it. Like the north star the experience will help me get closer to my heart and my love!

7/11/2006 Good bye to Dad

July 11, 2006

Funeral

Sadness

Tears

Good Bye

This is our last day

Noise

Flowers

Chanting

Prayer

This is how I remember

Eyes closed

Mouth shut

Silence

Final

This is what I see

Soul 

Serenity

Peace

Grace 

This is what I want

Together

Forever

Love

Understanding

Daddy!  This is you and me

Dream Manifestation

Five years ago when I landed at Seatac airport for the first time in May, I was overwhelmed with the trees, the city, and the waters. I traveled to major cities quite a bit for work but Seattle is different. Something is so mystical about Seattle; it was love at first sight. I spent days wandering around downtown after work. I found old book stores, little coffee shops, and kind people. Kind people are everywhere and I was wondering to myself what it would be like to live in Seattle.

Today I find myself living in Seattle. How did I get here? How did my wish manifest itself into reality? So do we always get what we want? I think I got everything that I wanted. I believe at a deep subconscious level I conjured my dreams into reality.

I walk away from my past, my pain, my lost, and my gain. I left behind “my everything” in hope to find everything. I change my life to focus on what is important to me; living my Truth. 

And here I am again. Got wrap up, drawn in by the complexity of human realm. Anytime I feel lost in my own emotion and other’s emotion I tried to retreat into my world of truth and center myself in my own safe haven. What is real and what is not. What have I learned and unlearned along the way. Other found me strong, self-assured and assertive. I find myself confused and lost all the time. 

Standing tall, believing in myself; all of this can fall down at any moment if I don’t do the right thing; if I don’t walk my talk; if I stop practicing accordingly to my code of ethics. The most critical critics are the internal critics. The price of not knowing myself is the biggest risk. I don’t worry about what people thinks about me. But I care what I think of myself. At which point that I would compromise and betray my commitment to live my truth? At which point that I start to put other needs and wants above my own sanity? It happened before and I won’t allow myself to fall back in that trap again. 

I will sit here and stare at the wall until my mind is still and my heart is clear again. I need to protect of my world, my peace, my life.

Illusions

Have I ever loved someone, in their true creation; flaws and all
Have I ever understood the word unconditioned; practice and preach
Have I ever imagined someday the world will bring me to my knees; grateful and humble
My heart was broken and it made me stronger, softer
My soul is awake and feeling pain, good pain
Consequences, heartache, and responsibilities
Your love, your flaws, my love, my flaws; the teaching of an important lesson
The lesson of compassion, love, acceptance, and forgiveness
With my eyes wide open
I see you, all of you, not just an illusion of you
And you see me, all of me not just an illusion of myself
The veil is lifting and I see clearly for the first time
The lesson of love, of true heart, of compassion
Not only for others, but also for myself

Sonny

Can you turn up the light and put the sparkle back in my eyes?
Can you make everything bright and shining again?

Lost a loved one feels like the light went out in my heart
I struggled in the dark searching for the switch
To switch everything back to a time in the past
When this new reality was just an illusion
One last inhale, no exhale
And you're gone to another world
I looked for your soul,
The wavering shape that just left your body
A gray shadow, a bluff of smoke
Something substantial so I can understand
The mystery of the afterworld

Your aftermath; Family, Love and Money
The legacy you left behind
Undone business, unsaid words, unforgotten deeds
Trails of trial and turbulence; hard lessons
Conversation went on in my head, loose string of sad thoughts
Should have done this, should have said that
We should have more time; you and I
There is nothing I can say
Nothing I can do to change the sad story
You are gone

When I see a bluff of gray smoke, I thought of you
Gaze toward the sky and wonder to myself; where are you?
Were your soul saved with our prayers by your dying bed?
Were all your sins forgiven when you took your last breath?

Can you light up the light and put hope back in my eyes?
Can you make everything alright again?
I need you to tell me that I don’t need to hide my sadness
And it is alright to miss you, to mourn you
For everything that you were, good or bad
Can you give me a sign, my dear brother?

The way it meant to be

If I get to do it all over again

I want to spend my time loving you; learning you

To look into my heart, dive deep into my fear

I will choose to trust, with the innocence of a little child

I will choose wisdom, to see beyond what my eyes can see

I will choose understanding, your heart, your love, your fear

If I get to do it all over again

I will put down my sword and armor

I will hold on tight to my brush

I will paint our days with laughter, with bold color of hope

I will heal our mortal pain with each stroke of paint

I will draw wings so our love can fly, high up in the deep blue sky

I will set us free, free from our own prison, our limitations

I will set us free so we can love each other

The way it meant to be…

Golden Heart

My father said “Prosperity is easy to reach but a golden heart is hard to find”

Waiting for a golden heart, I have for many years,

Dreaming for a soul that is tried and true, I have for many moons

Faithful to the only thing I know, my heart

You came to me not quietly, not unsuspectingly

But uncannily,

You read my heart, shattered my armor

You melted my layers, ice cold fear

I asked my father, “Have I found my golden heart”

He walked with me in my dream and said, “Look into your heart”

So

I want to give you my golden heart

For today... and for always!

Take me home

Most of my days, my nights
I spend alone;
whispering prayers under the quivering lights
Thousands of miles, oh solemn miles
Far away from the place I was born
You wake me, in the early hours
Twinkles in your eyes
Smile on your face
When you hold me
You take me back home
You take me back to my childhood home, where love resides
Where everything exists now only in my mind
Most of my days, of my nights
I spend like a child. Who's afraid of ghosts in my mind!
I know, there is nothing out there
I'm still afraid to turn on the lights
Although now
Most of my days I spend alone in my mind
A thousand miles from the place I was born
When you hold me
You take me back home

Lullaby

In the game of love
Always one person gets left behind in the cold
Love is not the same I have been told
When you are the one with nothing left to hold
For better for worst until the day we are old
He said
She said
But in the end
When we are all looking for another chance
Another chance of love, another chance of life
We left behind the one
The one lesson; to have but not to hold
We find another horizon, another sky to fly
To spread the broken wings, to try
But can you hear; my late at night, my early morning’s cries
Can you hear the flutter of my heart
by the window sills
Like a lark, travel only at night
I sing you lullaby, deep in your sleep, in your dream
The one lesson;
To have but not to hold until the day we are old!

Mother's words

My mother said don’t live your life waiting for the other shoe to fall
She said; live your life like today is your last day, with no fear
Swirl with joy, dance with pain, and laugh with tears
When life delivers happiness, open your arms, your heart
And when life is dry and sad, sit and wait
Everything she said and tried to instill in my mind
She said; look into a person’s eyes so you can see their sky
Look for the true color for doesn’t matter how much you try
People are people; they will be what they will be
Choose wisely
The company you keep
For to change a person, the chance is very steep
It’s not necessary the reflection of your values, moral codes
But it is a reflection of how you view the world, your world
Slow down, she said; life is short enough
Take today and live in today
Don’t go look for trouble
And don’t look back
My mother said life is a game of wait and go
When life offers opportunities you don’t ask
My mother said so
And when life’s struggle is too great, let sit it out and wait
Love is strength and harshness that heart of your
Think with your heart but never let go of your head
The power is in you
All started with you and will end with YOU

All Along

Dance, dance quietly
Swaying slowly, the little girl under the night sky
Hands are reaching high
Gathering stars and dreams
Gathering hearts and wishes
And she was all alone
Dance, dance quietly
Swaying slowly, in the stream of life
Hands are spreading wide
Letting go of old memories
Letting go of distance past
And she is no longer alone
Love has found her, has been around her
All along!

Elizabeth

She flies away so far into the sky, so high

so bright the sun

My eyes can’t see, blurred with tears

She flies away quietly into the night

her wings landed softly

settled into her dreams

where her heart resides

and it is no longer

by my side

Control

Woke up today and I am in love

Flutter lights of dawn like butterflies

seeped through the windows, landed on my hands

Empty hands

Gentle little squeeze of his void overwhelmed my heart, my soul

Caressed the thought of his warm embrace, kisses

of everything amiss, the silence, his emptiness

Gasped for air

My heart, vulnerable again, open again, soft again

My soul, naked again, aware again, alive again

Fully alert of the new sensation,

the quiet intruder

Crawling under my skin like parasites, eat away layer by layer

my control

Playground

I love you more every day

More than I can imagine I can ever love a person

The burning passion come from deep inside the soul

Where love is pure and true

We put our souls on display; vulnerable, naked, and cold

In love, we are warriors

Fight for what we need and ready to receive with open heart, open arms

For every sunrises

And every sunsets

Knowing we are here to hold each other hands

To walk together as best friends

And hand in hand we find that place together

Our playground

Beyond myself

You shook up my world and woke up the fragile inner child

the soft, innocent, frighten

little soul hide behind the helpless sad eyes

The little broken heart is filled with Doubts

And

Every time I laid my head down in despair

drop of tears would come flooded my eyes

You stood strong and still and kind

You whispered your sweet love

You paint my sky with rainbow color of hopes

Because of you

I learn to embrace my truth, my broken heart, my soft soul

I learn to be brave, to risk

I learn to trust again

Beyond myself

Pray

Can the world see me as I am?

Can soul, heart, and dreamers have

a place

in this careless world with careless souls

Can love, lost, separation, and joy coexist?

When you say good bye to

someone dear

And shed no tears?

Can you feel my pain, the pain of lost

Since tomorrow I will not see you again

I won’t be there to hug, to touch

To wipe away your tears

To love, to laugh, and share a shoulder

A soft shoulder so you

Can lean on

The series of events

the constant changes

Can tears wash away the mortal pain?

to life, to love

can you join me

let us pray

that we will love

will care

and give our heart away to people who deserves

This is where I will stay

Under the soft hazy cloudy sky, hands toward heaven

Down on my knee, I pray