My heroes

Once you get to know somebody you start to realize they are human too. We each have our own stories to tell and a cross to bear. I always remind myself there are other heroes out there and I love to learn from them. My teachers are my family and everyday friends and their life’s experiences; you are one of them. I learn a little more about you and a little more about me. Pain, joy, laughter, tears, love, hate, want, need are passing emotion. Only wisdom is seeded deep in the soul so I am always striving for wisdom. Yes, my past pain some time resurfaced and driven my foolishness reaction. But I always try to take time off to slow down to contemplate and never fail to come back with a kinder newer perspective. My philosophy is it takes a stronger person to be kind. Cruel people are usually weak and full of fear. Because of this belief I am sometime give more to the people that hurt me. They need my compassion more; there is a pain that need to be healed behind the rage. So thank you for listening to my soft stories. The stories of victory and defeat; the stories of my life; I wouldn’t have it any other way.

CALM: do not react, speak slowly
RELAXED: smile often
UNCONCERNED: don't worry too much
UNTROUBLED: handle with grace
EASY: speak softly
SATISFIED: say thank you
SIMPLE: accept people for who they are
ENLIGHTEN: trust other will do the right thing
CLARIFY: ask question before assume
CERTAIN: be sure of myself
PROMISING: believe in good thing
RELIABLE: be on time, respect of other schedule

Daily reflection

Grow up and take responsibility for your own emotional and well being. Have a set of moral values that you can believe in and practice daily. Set boundaries so others can understand and respect your stand… Everything I learned very recently but never too late, never too late… I am humbling and grateful for the life 's lessons. I reflect on my own actions and words by watching other's actions and words.  The transformation had taken place so drastically the moment I gave it my attention and support. I am at peace. I am in peace.

Lucy - our lesson of unconditional love

Alyssa was crying when she brought Lucy to me on Saturday’s night. She was worried since her little puppy was acting abnormal. I tried to assure her by examined Lucy and I told her to stop being so paranoid; “Lucy is alright” I said. Sunday morning Alyssa woke me up with Lucy in her arms crying even harder. Lucy now is paralyzed from the waist down. She can’t move her hind legs anymore. I panicked and instant tears came to my eyes. My poor little babies, Alyssa and Lucy; they are both in pain. Given Alyssa is my daughter and Lucy is her puppy, I realized my love is boundless for both of them. There is no separation from human to animal; in love there is no distinction in shape, size, and color. It is just love. I look at my daughter and wondered what about love that when someone you cared for in pain, you are in pain. What part of you conjoined with love’s one that your psyches are now some how mesh.

We took Lucy to the only open emergency vet office in Seattle areas in Fremont. I drove with one hand and the other on Alyssa and Lucy. I wanted to comfort them, to take the pain away from them. I felt so helpless and out of control.

We left Lucy at the emergency room to be watched over night. The doctor was convinced that she had spinal hernia, something that is quite common with Lapso Apso breed. She was put on steroid to calm her hernia and we were hoping that would fix the problem. Many calls back and forth during the day and the doctor finally called with the bad news. She was getting worst and the drug didn’t work. We had to take her to a neurologist. Neurologist for a dog; I was thinking to myself silently, the bill will be astronomical. We went to see the neurologist and it was confirmed that Lucy needed surgery. I had to make the moral decision to let Lucy die slowly with her paralysis or tried to save her with surgery. Alyssa was crying so hard, she said “Mommy I never love anything so much. I don’t want her to die.” I thought of the bill. I evaluated the options. But in my heart I knew what the right thing to do was; I need to give Lucy a chance. So I handed Lucy over the expert asked them to do their best to take care of our little love and make peace with myself. I have to do the right thing or I will never be able to live with myself.

Alyssa told me on the way home that she loves me and thanked me for standing by her, support her, and indulge her love for Lucy. And she said “Mommy, you taught us so much but the most important thing you taught us how to be a good person”.

I am grateful Lucy has taught us a lesson of love. In the darkest hours we have found our lights. We learn in our lives when we love somebody do everything we can to take care of them. Do the best you can and let’s the universe decide the outcome. That is all you needed to do; from moment to moment do the right thing. Love with your heart and not your head. Love is action and not just a word.

Lifecycle of a Broken Heart

Lifecycle of a broken heart
Get very close and get very scared
Push and pull the dance of nightmare
Open up sometime feels like a death
When you have to face sadness and fear
Letting go always bring lots of tears
But it’s worth trying, worth pushing through
This is the only way, living your truth
And with luck you will find a mate
Will take the pain and all your mistakes
Cast it away with forgiveness and care
Will endure and promise to be there
When you crash and your castle falls apart

Wonder who everybody is

Wondering who everybody is... Blood in and nose... Six two or five three... All that.

Brown eyes but see life through rose's color glasses
Black long hair await to be gray
Soft heart despite life's trial and error
That is me or not me

Silence

My silent world
That is where I want to be
Full of hopes, dreams, and humanity

My silent soul
That is who I want to be
Full of peace, grace, and humility

Sunny Afternoon

Chatter Box - I sat in the sun and read for hours. It was peaceful but the slow time scared me. The noise got louder and wanted attention. All are in the chase. My thoughts are my shadows and I can't denounce it. But I can acknowledge my thoughts and with the acknowledgement I process and let it go.

Surrender - I planted some roses, pansies, sages, geraniums in a very dry and sunny spot in the garden. Nothing else will survive in this spot but the roses will thrive. There is a place for everything. You have to be open and aware to realize it. There is a reason for where you are and who you are with. Something about letting go and surrender to the universe. Still learning and growing everyday.

Little Boys

Little giggling monsters
How much I miss kissing you
Little hands dirty with mud
Little feet quickly run through the yard
Little chatter box
Laughing
Giggling
Tripping
Falling
Crying
And laughing all over again
Little boys are made of frog
And nothing nice
Ah the little monsters
Love to make their little sister cry
It has been awhile
Since I hold you in my arms
Tickle you until you run and hide
Ben, Nicholas, Marcus
My little giggling monsters
You better run and hide
Since the kissing monster
Is running right behind

Innocent Love

I was told since I was young
Soft talk and big brown eyes
Day dreaming with soft blue sky
Be protected of this heart of mine
Lost days on mile of hills
Lost nights on sky of stars
Out of reach then and now still
I dream of a love that is so far
When did I realized
The only constant thing in life
Sweet love in this heart of mine
Day comes and day goes
You come and you go
Now I am lost in my skies of stars
And tears of soft brown eyes
Gone the last constant thing in life
Lost the innocent love
In this heart of mine

You inspired me - from CK

I read you word, memories flash in my mind,

I hearken back to those happy childhood times,

days spent in play, my days of youth,

the world then was filled with simple truths,

and Mom and Dad were always right,

things then seemed so black and white.

And when the sun hid above the clouds,

and on the ground they cast a shroud,

I went on with my childhood games,

for after rain I knew the rainbows came.

Sometimes I long for those easier days,

those happy, carefree, simple ways,

when the world was just a place to play.

But I take comfort in the thought,

of what my age and growth has brought,

I realize that simpler time,

was just a product of my childhood mind,

for as I flourished in my youth,

my parents shielded me from life's harder truths,

they made for me a world with little care,

where dreams came true if you dared

and so as your parents did for you,

you do for your children too,

and as you shield them from the world's hurt and despise,

you may glimpse the world through their eyes,

and in the glimpse of childhood fun and simple truths,

we get a little chance to relive youth...